Somewhere along the line, I lost my confidence. My kids comment on it all the time. They remember me as a confident woman. Could it be they saw me as a confident Mom? Could it be that while I was raising them, I was doing what God designed me to do?
Anyway, last Christmas I could not bring myself to put up a Christmas tree. When Shawn dragged all of our decorations out of the cubbyhole, I came down the steps and immediately felt panic when I looked at the pile. I asked him to put it all away and ran up the steps and went into one of those nasty panic attacks.
In the past few weeks, Shawn kept talking about putting a tree up. I did not want to, remembering last year’s episode. I relented and told him to drag the stuff out since I would be watching Kayla for a day thinking it would be fun for her to help me decorate. Well, plans changed, and it didn’t happen. So there the stuff sat…in a pile. I would go over to it and look through it, but just could not muster up the motivation to put it up.
I woke up this morning and as always before my shower, met with the Lord. Doing my Bible study in Exodus, I learned how Moses wanted, needed, and pleaded with God for His presence. He didn’t have the confidence to lead his people without God. Wow, that was a much bigger chore than putting up some Christmas decorations!
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This is where I am now. I have lost confidence even in such a simple task. I second guess everything I do, doubting if I am doing it correctly and if it will be pleasing to others, fearing criticism. Not sure what sucked all the confidence out of me…most likely the world.
Although my chest filled up with the uneasiness of panic and anxiety, I tackled the task of decorating. I did not put up much, but I was able to get that little tree up and my front window done. I did this not with anything I could muster up, it was all God. My flesh was okay with no decorations!
Lately, my prayers have been on my marriage, and my relationship with my husband. I know he has been enduring this thing called depression and anxiety right along with me. He has shown me repeatedly true love and commitment. It goes way deeper than just a feeling, even words. It’s about loyalty. It’s about being committed to someone for the long haul no matter what. It’s about being selfless.
Shawn, the tree is up. God knows how important it is for you to still have a tree year after year. He gave me the strength to put it up. My chest is still pounding, but I breathed through it because I knew I wasn’t going to die doing all of this. It’s God’s love in me that shone through. I hope this tree is even more special to you than you can ever imagine. It’s because of my lack of confidence and God’s presence that this little tree is up. It was with His confidence that I could achieve this. Just like Moses, God provides for us what we need to service Him. God has blessed you!
I read the following in my devotion today:
Self-confidence can deceive us. Individual Christians, as well as great Christians, fail because we try to go without God. Where there is much self-confidence, there is little true blessing.
God has a lot to say about confidence. There is nothing wrong with it, but we cannot rely on the flesh.